The Boystown Barfly

CONGRATS KIDDIES!

2009-10-12T17:19:00.000-07:00

As of 5pm Central Time on October 12th Boystown Barfly has reached almost 2500 (Well 2483 if you want to get technical) individual user hits! Yes, that means over 2400 of you put the WetPlatinum, coke-mirrors and tissues aside and logged onto this site to get your dirt fix! Yours truly would just like to thank those of you who check my little boredom cure obsessively and also those of you who happen to stumble across it. Without your lust for shit-talking and the belittling of your peers, this site would be nothing more than text and pictures. Your comments (Which I have never and will continue to never tamper with) are what gives this website life and fills me with such joy. Since this is such a momentous occasion and it's tugged at the few heartstrings I have left, I've decided to give you hungry boys a 3-For-1 Posting Special...The Good...The Bad...And The UGLY... Enjoy!

The Good

2009-10-12T17:15:00.000-07:00

Little is the last word I would use to describe this duchess of the drunken hordes. Be it that she may fit right into the mix of dyed hair, hard bodies and botoxed faces, but I feel she is a cut above and has quite the envious black book to back it up. Possessing more class in one implant than most of Addison to Belmont, this self-described "cougar" has known me as nothing more than a stranger with a credit card, yet has always served with a smile and grace. Take note and next time your glass is empty and you're tired of ordering a refill from some beefed up, half-witted breeder boy or an uppity mo, stand tall on your Aldo loafers and see if this doll is pouring out some love.

The Bad

2009-10-12T17:11:00.000-07:00

Are you parentally repressed, twinky, socially challenged and looking for a good 18+ mixer and new, accepting "friends" outside of your suburb? Well then, this man and his organization might have the answer to all your teenage jack-off prayers. Travel up Kenmore Ave (Perviously Sheridan Rd, for you now old-timers) with fag-hag in tow and look for a tragic apartment building...it shouldn't be difficult to find, young boys in their Saturday night best lingering, stomped cigarette butts outside by the main entryway and the sound of pop-music blaring over a crowd of annoying prepubescent voices in the night...or you can bare the ridiculous cover and venture out to Halsted's Bar and Grill for Student Union Night, I've never attended so morally, I can't trash it but the event pictures look like a National Geographic Magazine editorial spread...

*Picture this for a moment, a herd of unassuming twinks mingling and flirting by the watering hole with hopes and dreams of mating, but in the distance looms a small stealth pack of older Daddies inching closer and closer, slowly, so as to remain unnoticed. They are far more experienced, making non-threatening and easy conversation, buying soft-drinks and insuring that the potential take-home-meals feel comfortable. Then once a twink lets his guard down..."We could do actual drinks at my condo..." or "If you want to come over and watch a movie, I don't live far from here..." ...is offered and the weakest one is lead away from the safety of the herd and devoured by one or multiple hunters.*

Yes, it sucks being under 21, living with your parents or in a dorm room and having limited access to a mode of transportation, cash and boys but seriously, we have ALL been there. These types of house parties and bar nights are intended for the lowest of the low (as evident by those who actually attend) and could possibly be considered a step down option from online "dating" sites. So next time you get an e-vite to crap like this, remind yourself to not dress like a Los Angeles disaster, get off the computer and go to your local Gayborhood Starbucks, Caribou Coffee or respectable dining establishment in your Sunday best (J-Crew, RL, most things from Club Monaco, Macy's, Nordstrom's and Saks), pull out your homework or something to keep you quasi-occupied and keep an eye out for a guy who is easy on the eyes, with some class who can aid you in improving your lack thereof.

...And The Ugly

2009-10-12T17:07:00.000-07:00

Oh where, oh where to start...? I know that this is a relatively easy target (I mean his presence alone invites scrutiny) but I mean, come on... This particular balding and bronzed boy's reputation reads more like one of those doleful FagFrat e-mail invitations so in the spirit of that theme, I've decided to just list off the more outstanding offenses. Judge for yourself...

*The party doesn't start till the foundation, bronzer, mascara, eyebrow pencil and lip sheen are lookin' just right.

*Dress attire is strictly Forever XXI, H&M and Armani Exchange if you feel the need to impress. Any graphic tee and "designer skinny denim" will do, followed by a vest or poorly tailored blazer and topped off with your favorite skull cap of course.

*Drinks will be provided by any willing partygoers or the first friendly table that will allow a bottle leach or two. DISCLAIMER: Tip not included or offered...

*Mingle the night away while partaking in mindless conversation involving new make up and tanning tips, budget retail excursions, how much your dead-end job and parents suck, current and past 5 minute relationships and don't forget to NETWORK! (You never know when you could meet your next business contact/friend you can use to gain vital social standing/bartender that will discount the cocktails you already can barely afford or "Daddy" that will rescue you from your own insipid existence)

*Please don't forget your digi-cams so this night of debauchery can be documented on the face and/or the space, higher resolution preferred. (Easier to photoshop later on)

*If you should happen to find a lucky beau to raid your panties, be sure to tell him that your place isn't an option. (I'm sure the 300 pound man who financially allows you to live this glamorous lifestyle wouldn't appreciate you bringing home tricks to the one bedroom apartment with the pull-out couch you supposedly sleep on)

...And remember, you are hot, people adore you, you can be anything you want without college or any actual effort and using anyone and any method in doing so is perfectly socially acceptable...

Guess Who...?

2009-10-12T08:17:00.000-07:00

I am back after a much needed vacation and I see I've definitely been missed. So sorry for the recession in postings but I've been working my fingers to the bone (This blog sadly isn't the only thing I do) and I will have new postings up within today. Now back to business...
In response to all the speculation, hearsay and bottom-of-the-barrel guesses I have been flooded with in comments on postings and to my e-mail, I thought I would dedicate a whole section of this blog for you to duke it out and maybe even attempt closer or at least more educated deductions. Now go and indulge yourselves...

Yours truly,
The Elusive Mr. Barfly.

Positively Not Cool...

2009-07-16T12:21:00.000-07:00

Ahh... That late Spring is officially over and Summer is finally in full bloom, which means the bars are bustling with all the birds, bees and bunnies who have come out to play. Sadly, this Summer's freshest hot gossip is of the cautionary variety, for one dirty little rabbit is playing Trix on his kids and thinks he's too cool to wrap his tool. This recent Los Angeles transplant can be seen out quite often with his Purple Wildcat boyfriend usually in tote, up and down Halsted or sporting a Spin uniform on the fields of Chicago. Charming and Whit-y he may be, this boy is no fool, the only thing longer than his "WeHo amateur film career" was that "bare" West Coast reputation which has now followed him back here to his Midwest roots. So cuties, take heed of Mr. Barfly's warning and BEWARE, buying into this damaged merchandise comes with an eternal price-tag not many want to pay for.

Orange JO-ice

2009-05-18T20:36:00.001-07:00

Like a pool of tanning bed sweat, this orange-esque (Simply Orange?) guido graduated from a Fag Frat party regular to Boystown pond scum.

I don't want NO SCRUBS, a scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me. Hanging off the passenger's side of his best friend's LR3, trying to holla at me.

Let's set the scene. The fluorescent glo of a P.I.N.K vodka coaster. The glistening orange skin. The enticing musk of geriatric leather mixed with tanning accelerator. We constantly see him sucking face with "daddies" in the dark crevices of Winebar! Some people have the right to give snobby, scornful looks at strangers (like the KC motorcoach heiress), but you my friend, are NOT fabulous by association.

Goldfreeze

2009-05-18T20:00:00.001-07:00

The Boystown Barfly wants to thank all for the readership. Tonight, we'll touch upon the unsung heroes of Boystown. He might gossip like a Barfly, but his name generally stays out of the talky talky. Our UNSUNG HERO has a bachelors in business and works odd jobs. His career aspirations are admirable and we wish him the best. The only negative points are his tendancy to talky talky when drunky drunky, which he does often. Be nice to the little twinkie; he's got heart!

Dot Com Bust

2009-04-24T12:47:00.000-07:00

Riddle me this, riddle me that. What's pale with orange accents, always adorns a poorly tailored suit, has a harem of submental twink followers and blogs about it all? Well if you know who I'm speaking of (which I'm sure you do!) and haven't already been targeted by this creature, then consider yourself few and far in between. This zoftig, SELF-APPOINTED leprechaun of a "politico" involves himself in the charity circuit (for bars), along with promotion (of bars) through his bastard love child of a BLOG. It seems as if this newsrag gives our Boystown leader some sort of grounds to socialize with the self-proclaimed gay elite, without anyone cowering in shame. If the masses didn't enjoy the mastubatory effects of seeing their names bolded and highlighted on the computer screen as much as they do, they would probably have nothing to do with him. As much as yours truly, Mr. Barfly, would like to support a fellow blogger, I honestly can't stand the dull, vapid social fluff and name dropping that seem to be the only ingredients to his political rise. Rule on El Presidante of the Homo Talky Blogs!

Frying Through the Sky Rike Sparkring Diamond Nosering..

2009-04-15T13:09:00.000-07:00

Look! Spikes! Stalactites! A Flock of Seagulls! Watch out for the bird's nest of orange spikey hair charging towards you! Hold on tight to that wallet. If it's free, it's he! From getting FREE bottles from former Btown bartenders to getting most of his meals paid for by "friends," this Boystown perma-fixture leaves people wondering, "What does this boy do, exactly?"

Not the Only Dumb, Blonde Model in Boystown

2009-04-15T09:11:00.000-07:00

To the 6'2'' pale, blonde twink who lives off his supposedly dried up trust fund: get off your high horse. Neiighhh! Apparently he is the scorn enemy of most in the scene. Rumor has it that his "business trip" to NYC for "modeling gigs" ended up fruitless and a big waste of his (parents') money! Ouchies!

Candyland

2009-04-11T14:40:00.000-07:00

Much like the Mini man of this tale, we'll keep this short and to the point. 1) He's tiny but talks tall. If you want to have a face to face conversation and you're over 5'10", you might just have to kNeal. 2) The only thing that is sugar, spice and everything not-so-nice is his nose candy. $100 dolla bills! Achoo! Achoo! 3) Don't be fooled by the "diamonds" in his ears or the free bottle at his table, this little guy is a big fat joke.

Born in 1990?

2009-03-01T20:58:00.000-08:00

Has anyone seen the Minibar Wall of Shame? Screencap after screencap of Facebook profiles! Rumor has it that the less-than-legal boys and girls who rampaged the Halsted strip like playground Rugrats on Speed were caught. Red handed. On Facebook. God bless the internet and god bless America for allowing bar owners, Gossip Girls, and losers like your host, Mr. Barfly, to be able to research, record, and spread.

BUSTED!

2009-02-15T03:49:00.000-08:00

Asian Boystown Baroness ejected from the Minibar scene. Pending further investigation...

One Bad Apple

2008-05-26T23:08:00.000-07:00

From the looks of his Myspace, he seems like any other average gay Chicagoan. Insert Dolce & Gabbana ad here. Write something about dedication to Madonna there. Don't forget the token shirtless, slut photo, little one! Such a shame this bad seed fell far from the tree of Proper Gay Socialistas. From popping his raw porn cherry to selling us Apples, this Boystown bar scene regular is quite the trick.

Macho Macho Man

2008-05-26T22:38:00.000-07:00

Has anyone seen the Mini muscleman who terrorizes Chicagoland twinks? Standing tall at 5'8", be careful girls, he's a feisty little one with a feisty little John!

Buy Orange Glo for that Immaculate Sparkle!

2008-05-26T21:34:00.002-07:00

Which trio of twinky, tanorexic zombies continually post Photoshop-happy pictures of their lovely and flawless fauxrange glows? God forbid they strike a different post!